The House of Hundun
by Vaesinis
Summary: Mercenaries seeking to find the secret island of Pandaria seek out a Brewmaster in Ratchet, but do not find what they are expecting at his house...
1. Chapter 1

The House of Hundun:

"Tell me why we're here again, Rak?" asked Phelis, his face an irritated scowl.

"Because we were hired for a mission and require a guide," explained the Tauren that towered over him. "And you were the one who insisted on coming along. No one is forcing you to accompany me."

"As though I'd let you meet some stranger at some bar in these…slums," said Phelis disdainfully as he glanced around. This has 'trap' written all over it."

"Maybe, but it was a request from an old friend. I could hardly decline. Besides, you both know that the Council could use the work, and I sensed the Earthmother's approval for this particular venture," he said, patting his totem affectionately.

"If you insist…" relented Phelis as he scanned their surroundings for possible threats, knowing that just because he saw none didn't mean there weren't any.

"Relax," the Tauren Elder assured him. "It's Ratchet, we'll be fine."

"You should never feel safe when you're going to a shady bar in a neutral port with alliance naval forces just a few miles away," explained Phelis as the two made their way through the goblin town.

"I realize that, and that's why I'm glad that you insisted on coming along," said Rakhalen with a grin. "Ah, here we are: the Broken Keel Tavern. Seems like a reputable establishment, don't you think?" Phelis remained silent, and the Tauren chuckled to himself as they walked inside.

The tavern was shabby, even by goblin standards, with only a few tables in the center of building's only room, with cots and sleeping mats lined up against the walls so that customers wouldn't have to move far to get from their beer to their beds. The patrons were mostly off duty peons and marines, which gave the room a tense atmosphere as Horde and Alliance stared each other down from safe distances, each group warily eyeing the goblin bruisers that kept the peace.

"Okay, we're here," said Phelis as he scanned the room, taking note of far more possible threats than he was comfortable with. "Now let's find the guy, get the information you need, and get out."

"Fair enough," agreed Rakhalen . "Ah, and I think I have found him." He waded into the tavern and headed for the far wall, an anxious Phelis following on his heels and keeping a watchful eye on every movement in the building.

Rakhalen approached a large figure sitting alone at a table with a large keg of beer. His back was turned to them, and he wore a large, wide brimmed hat that obscured his face, so Phelis was unable to get a good look at him. "Excuse me, sir," asked Rakhalen as he approached the figure. "Are you by chance Sujian Hundun?"

"Hmm? Yes?" mumbled the man as he turned around, and Phelis was mildly surprised to see that his face was like that of a chubby bear's, with black and white fur covering his face and long, braided whiskers dangling from his upper lip and chin. "What can old Hundun do for you, Mr. Ox?"

"My name is Rakhalen Grimtotem," the Tauren introduced himself. "And this is my associate Phelis Sholondraes. We were hoping that you could help us with a job we've been hired to perform."

"Ah, yes yes, I see," said Hundun as he lifted the large keg as though it were nothing, pouring its remaining contents into his mouth before wiping his wet lips with a large black paw. "You need talk to me, no? I done here, and you seem nice fellow. Come with Hundun back home, have dinner at house."

"Oh, I don't mean to intrude, sir, I would just like to ask you—"

"Please, Hundun insist," said the Pandaren as he stood up gingerly, both the bench and his knees creaking loudly. "Was supposed to be home hour ago, bringing guests will make wife forget. Feed you good food and tea, you enjoy."

"Rak," whispered Phelis into his companion's ear. "I'd really rather not follow a stranger into what could very well be an ambush."

"Relax, Phelis," said Rakhalen dismissively before turning back to Hundun. "We'd be delighted to."

"Good, good," said Hundun as he ambled past them towards the door. "House just outside Ratchet, in hills. Small house, shabby garden, but no tell wife I said that. She loves her garden, even if it mostly just rock and weeds."

"I'll try not to," Phelis half grumbled as he followed both of the larger men out of the bar, painfully aware of the many stares the group attracted from the human patrons as they left.

The house was close by in the hills on the port town's outskirts, and as they approached the house, Hundun leaned towards them and said in a hushed voice, "Be careful of the wife, she is very mean and evil creature. I remember when I first come to Kalimdor, see a troll flying around on big leathery creature. I became very frightened, shouted 'Lin has learned to fly!' until someone told me it was not wife but bat. But still, frightening idea having wife who could fly."

"Um…"

"But be at ease, guests, for wife cannot fly, and runs very slow, so you are safe," he assured them as he wrapped a massive paw around the door handle and pulled it open. "Lin-lin, I am home!"

"Why you home so late!" came the reply in a loud, shrill voice that was still menacing enough to be called a roar. "You only now come back from market? Where groceries? You spend all your time and money in bar again, didn't you?"

"Please, Lin, settle down," said Hundun as he stepped inside and held the door open. "We have guests."

"Greetings," said Rakhalen and Phelis politely as they stepped inside.

"Oh, guests? You why bring guests and not tell me?" yelled the female Pandaren as she brushed her hands off on her apron and started to busily rearrange some of the clutter in the small shack. "House so dirty, no time to clean! Should have warned me first!"

"Sorry, my love," said Hundun sheepishly as he sat in a sturdy chair at the table. "Was unexpected surprise. Can you put on a pot of tea for guests?"

"Oh, yes, yes, where are manners?" said Lin-lin as she moved a small kettle on top of the hot stove. "Please, ox and elf, take seat. Make selves comfortable while I heat tea."

"That is very kind of you," said Rakhalen as he lowered himself into the chair and was pleased to find that it held his weight easily, though he shouldn't have been surprised; despite being shorter by about a head, he suspected that both Pandaren weighted almost as much as he did. Lin-lin was just as portly as her husband, though she moved through the small kitchen section of the one room house with a grace that belied her size. "Phelis, please, relax, take a seat."

"If you insist," said the elf warily as he sat down in the remaining seat, noting for some odd reason that the table was almost a foot thick and unfortunately almost came up to his shoulders. He scanned the room quickly and noticed several kitchen knives, including one impressively large and well-worn one that could have easily chopped through bone, but otherwise detected no overt threats inside the hovel.

"So, you have questions for Hundun, yes?" asked the Pandaren as they waited for the tea to warm.

"Yes, indeed," said Rakhalen as he cleared his throat. "We were hired by our employer to conduct some…business that requires us to travel to Pandaria, and we were told that you could help us as a guide in reaching the continent."

"Yes, yes, I see," said Hundun thoughtfully as he stroked his beard. "Pandaria very secluded island, very hard to get to."

"So we've heard," remarked Phelis.

"Would you be willing to help us?" asked Rakhalen.

"Oh, yes, yes, I would be happy to, but you see…" Hundun was interrupted by the loud whistle of the teakettle. "Oh! Tea is ready! Lin, please, a cup for me and each of our guests." They waited patiently as the housewife removed the kettle from the stove and set three small round mugs down on the table, filling each one in turn with steaming hot tea.

"Trust me, she might not look it, but very good at making tea," said Hundun proudly as he took the cup in his paw and raised it to his lips, breathing on it lightly to cool the steaming liquid. "One of the few great pleasures in life is being able to drink tea made by a loving wife, don't you agree?"

"Um…of course," agreed Rakhalen awkwardly. "Something made with the loving care of a lifemate is always delicious."

"Ah, you are very wise, ox. Yes, truly delicious," said Hundun as he nodded sagely and took his first sip. "…WOMAN?" he shouted suddenly as he slammed his cup back down on the table. "What you put in tea? Are you trying to poison me?"

"No poison," growled his wife as she set the kettle on the table. "Is fish liver oil, good for digestion."

"How can it be good for digestion if it make me want to throw up?"

"Because then you get all that foul beer out of stomach!" she yelled back.

"Evil woman!" He declared with a roar. "That waste of money! Make me have to go buy more beer!"

"Do not talk about waste of money!" she snarled back. "What bout that weird metal barrel you buy from goblin?"

"It is better kettle for brewing beer! Good investment, you see! I show you one day!"

"So you want be brewer now instead of just drunk! You not real brewer, Chen Stormstout real brewer! I should have listened to mother and married him! He famous hero, you fat lazy nothing!"

"Lying woman! You never met Chen Stormstout once in life! And even if you had, he is old enough to be your son! You are dirty old lady!"

"At least he would have given me son, unlike you!"

"Your memory is like bad boat, full of holes! I give you three sons, they all run away because you try feed them tea with fish poison in it!"

"It is good for digestion!"

"Um…excuse me…" said Phelis, and the couple seemed to remember that they were not alone in the room.

"Ah, sorry, my apologies," said Hundun with an embarrassed grin. "You married so long, you fall into routine. Ours involves yelling."

"Lots of yelling," added his wife as she turned to chopping the ham into slices with a giant meat cleaver, each blow landing with a loud _thunk_ that made Phelis's reflexes twitch.

"So, please, honored guests," said Hundun as he poured them each a cup of tea. "How can old Hundun help you?"

"We are on a very important mission and need to travel to the land of Pandaria," explained Rakhalen as he picked up a cup of the tea. "We have heard many things about you and were hoping that you could guide us there."

"Ah," sighed Hundun as his eyes stared daydreamingly at the ceiling, completely missing Rakhalen's grimace as he sipped the tea. "The old homeland. I have not been there in many years, but often in my dreams…Maybe one day…"

"We should go there soon," said his wife as she tossed the sliced meat into a pot and began chopping vegetables. "My mother is in Pandaria. Would be nice to visit her for once."

"Your mother is nasty old hag!" shouted Hundun, suddenly filled with anger and hints of fear. "She like demon! No, she _worse_ than demon, and very very old! Back in War of Ancients, when Burning Legion invade, great demon lord saw your mother and ran back into twisting nether for safety! And now she come over and eat all my meat and drink all my beer! Very evil woman!"

"Like your family any better!" yelled Lin, and Hundun growled angrily.

"How dare you talk about my family! I come from long line of prestigious monks and brewers!"

"Ha! Who you kid? Your father was just farmer, and very bad one! Could not even grow weeds!"

"You try growing crops on top of turtle, see how easy that is!"

"Was still easier than having garden in this desert, and still I make front of home beautiful!"

"Beautiful? Bah!" scoffed Hundun as he spat into a pot near the wall. "I do not even think those are weeds in front of our house, just rocks you scared into looking like plants!"

"If I could scare things into being more useful, I would have made you into respectable husband years ago!"

"Ah-ha! Disrespectful woman! See? Do you see, guests! This is what I have to live with every day of life, this mean, cruel woman who feels me soup that taste like sand!"

"You need more minerals in your diet! You eat very unhealthy, drink even worse! Fat, lazy husband maybe bad, but dead one no good!" She turned to the guests now and fixed them with an angry glare. "You see how he trick me, take away best years of life? I am no longer young, cannot find better husband!" She paused, sighing heavily for a few long moments as though releasing all her anger. "Life was better back when we lived on turtle…"

Rakhalen blinked for a few seconds, trying to process the statement. "Um…excuse me," he finally said. "What?"

"Oh, she is just talking about when we were young and lived on the great island turtle that swims the seas," said Hundun calmly as he laid back in his chair, his paws rubbing his protruding belly. "Ah, those were golden years, full of youth and happiness."

"You lived…on the back…of a giant turtle?"

"Of course," said Lin matter-of-factly. "Why you think we not in Pandaria anymore? Of course we come from turtle."

" I…find that hard to believe…" admitted Rakhalen.

"Why?" asked the woman. "Whole world on back of turtle, why not island on back of turtle?" A silence descended on the room, seeming for freeze everything in place for a few moments.

"…What?" blurted Rakhalen finally. "Are you saying that you lived on a giant turtle…that was riding on the back of a giant turtle?"

"What, you slow between ears?" asked Lin, her anger returning as quickly as it had dissipated. "Am I not speaking loud enough? Of course that what I say!" She punctuated the last sentence by slamming her cleaver into the table, burying it at least two inches into the wood.

"I just…but then what is the bigger turtle riding on?"

"Another turtle, obviously," scoffed the woman as she tugged the cleaver free in one pull, leaving a deep gash in the table that Phelis observed was one of many.

"If you say so, ma'am," said the elf as he tried to calm the situation, and Hundun chuckled heartily.

"Excuse my wife," he said. "She believes silly things. I know world not like that, because when you travel across oceans, you see that world actually round, so of course it cannot be on back of turtle, which is flat."

"Well, yes, that would be one reason," started Rakhalen.

"Yes, see, wife? Wise ox agree! World round, so obvious not on back of turtle, but_ inside_ turtle."

"You crazy old man! How that ever happen? World too big!"

"Was swallowed long ago by giant turtle when world was still growing and very small!"

"Worlds do not grow, you old fool! Your story make no sense, no proof! What, is sky lining of stomach and ocean the juices?"

"Laugh all you want, woman, but you want proof? Look at sun! It just like big bright gallbladder!"

"How you know? You have never even seen a gallbladder! You never cook animal for yourself, always make me do, you lazy old man!"

"I would, but you no let me touch knife! How I supposed to cut animal meats without knife?"

"Of course I never let you touch knife! This was my mother's knife! If you even tried to touch it, she would rise out of grave and kill me for insult!"

"See! You agree! Your mother is cursed!"

"Please, sir, madam?" asked Phelis hopefully as he tried to calm the shouting couple down. "If we could just get back to what we were talking about earlier?"

"You want know where Pandaria is, yes?" said Lin. "You better off asking wind. Husband has no sense of direction, get you lost in own bedroom."

"I would not get lost in bedroom if you cleaned it more!"

"Oh, so my cleaning not good enough for you? Why you no go sleep outside in dirt then!"

"Ha! That would be comfort, to sleep outside! Bed here like mountain, very uncomfortable! You use too much starch, hard as rock! I would prefer nice soft dirt!"

"Good, then you sleep outside tonight! See I care!"

"Maybe I will, but after dinner!" shouted Hundun, and the two Pandaren stared each other down silently before the wife shrugged and turned back to her cooking.

"See? Good wife, always knows what most important: not fighting, but food." He grinned merrily, and Rakhalen tried politely to return the expression. "Still, I feel sorry for you, ox."

"Why?" asked Rakhalen curiously.

"Because," he said, glancing around the room warily before saying in a hushed tone. "You have such ugly wife." It took Rakhalen a few moments to process the words, and then a few more to double-check that he had heard correctly.

"Um…Excuse me?" was all he was able to say in reply.

"My wife might be screeching, nagging woman, but least she very sexy, yes?" Rakhalen stared at Hundun for a few seconds, then turned and looked at Lin. While he was never the first to judge the beauty of another species, the Pandaren woman was still, beyond the obvious signs of age, what he would have politely called plump in the best of circumstances, even when compared to Tauren women.

"Um…" Rakhalen tried to say, his words failing him as he fought to maintain politeness. "Forgive me if I don't, but—"

"Her feet very small, no?" said Hundun with a sly wink. "Like tiny baby's. Could not be smaller if crushed between rocks." Hundun grinned wickedly at the shaman, who stared at him as though he were an ogre in a top hat.

"Ah…yes…I…suppose so…"

"Me tell you this truth of life," said Hundun, leaning in close as he whispered secretly. "Having beautiful wife is worth all misery in world long as you have good ale, yes?"

"Right…" said Rakhalen halfheartedly. "But…um, sir? I don't think you've ever met my lifemate…So how can you call her ugly?"

"What you say? Of course I meet!" insisted the Pandaren as he waved his arm to Rakhalen's other side. "She sitting right there!" If he had not been covered in fur, the color would have drained from the Tauren's face.

"Um…that's…HE's not my wife," stammered Rakhalen embarrassingly. "He's—"

"PHELIS SHOLONDRAES!" yelled someone loudly from outside the house. "WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! COME OUT NIGHT AND QUIET AND WE'LL TRY TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AS PAINLESSLY AS POSSIBLE!"

Phelis's gaze darkened as he glared at the window. "Dammit," cursed Rakhalen. "How did they find us?"

"Probably the same way we found him," said Phelis calmly as he cocked his head at Hundun. "I wouldn't be surprised if someone made up the entire job just to set this up."

"What happening?" asked Hundun worriedly. "Who set what up?"

"Could be any number of people," said Phelis as he stood up and stalked over to the window, his hand straying to his knife belt. "My money is on Scarlet, however. She never gets sick of screwing with me like this."

"It seems they're after you, which is funny: wasn't the point of you coming along to keep me out of trouble?" asked Rakhalen with a sarcastic snort.

"Just be quiet and get your totems ready," said Phelis as he pressed his back against the wall next to the window and peered outside cautiously. "Looks like we're surrounded. Has to be at least ten…maybe a dozen of them, and probably a sniper hiding in the scrub on one of the hills. Dammit, Rak, this is what I warned you about."

"What is problem?" asked Lin-lin as she tried to peer out the window, but Phelis motioned her away.

"There's some people who are after me," he explained calmly. "Stay back and hopefully you won't get involved. They're only after me, and possibly the Elder."

"Bah, nonsense," said Hundun as he rose to his feet and grabbed a long, sturdy polestaff that was leaning against the wall. "You are guest, Hundun take care of this for you."

"Sir, I don't think you—"

"Sit, elf," ordered Lin-lin, her immense knife in hand. "You let husband take care of. Only thing he good for."

"Thank you, wife," said Hundun as he picked up a large jug by the door and, to Phelis's horror, walked outside. "Hello, friends!" he yelled. "What business have you here?"

"The hell are you?" one of them yelled back. "Where's Sholondraes?"

"I no know who you talk about," said Hundun as he staggered forward unsteadily, uncorking the jug of booze with his teeth and pouring the contents into his gullet as he walked.

"I think he's drunk, boss," said one of the thugs.

"Then go take him out!" yelled the first voice, and Phelis gritted his teeth as one of the thugs walked towards Hundun. The alcohol had worsened the Pandaren's stagger, and he didn't seem to notice the large warclub that was being raised to crack open his skull.

"Phelis…" said Rakhalen uneasily. "Do something."

"Like what?" asked the elf. "You didn't let me bring anything other than my knives, remember?" They watched in silent horror as the thug brought his mace down hard…

…Only for the Pandaren to sway to the side at the last minute, leaving the weapon to crash through empty air into the dirt as Hundun brought his staff around into his attacker's skull. Hardwood cracked against bone, and the human fell to the ground like a limp ragdoll.

"You dare to assault the House of Sujian Hundun!" roared the Pandaren in challenge as he brandished his staff, twirling it around him with the grace of a seasoned expert. "Then come! Come and face me!" Silence followed his challenge, and then another attack charged forward with a battlecry, only for Hundun to nimbly dodge his attack and, with another crack like thunder, a second body was added to the pile.

"Don't just sit there, Morty!" yelled the gang's leader when he saw his other man go down. "Shoot him!"

Phelis spotted movement on a hill overlooking the house and saw that a dwarf had stood up out of the tall grass, his musket aiming for the Pandaren armed with only a staff and a cotton tunic. But before the elf could make a move, a surge of lightning shot across the field and caught the dwarf square in the chest, knocking him back and sending him tumbling down the hill. Phelis turned from the sniper to the doorway, expecting to see Rakhalen entering the fray, but instead saw Lin-lin striding into her front yard, lightning crackling around her fist as she gripped her massive cleaver in one paw.

"You! Fools!" she roared, teeth bared and snarling with rage. "Get out of my garden, you ruin it! You know how long I work make so beautiful?" The attackers simply stared at the two Pandaren for a few moments, one covered in lightning and the other casually taking massive gulps from a jug of booze, too afraid to act.

"Dammit!" yelled the gang's leader. "It's only two damned furbolg! Get them!" His underlings hesitated at first, then they all charged at the old couple at once, each screaming with their weapons raised.

"Do you think we should help them?" asked Rak uncertainly as the attackers neared Hundun and Lin-lin.

"Who, the thugs?"


	2. Chapter 2

Hundun Goes to Orgrimmar

"Tell me why we're back here again, Elder?" asked Phelis, his face even more of an irritated scowl than the day before.

"Why should we not be, Phelis?" asked Rakhalen, a smile on the old bull's snout. "We made a promise, did we not?"

"Actually, _you_ made a promise that _I_ still think is a bad idea," corrected the elf. "I've felt like this was a trap since the beginning, and we've already been attacked here once. Why make it easier for them to do it a second time?"

"Calm yourself, my friend," said the Tauren soothingly. "You're being paranoid."

"It's called pattern recognition," replied Phelis as the two came to the top of the small hill just outside Ratchet. They paused for a moment to stare at the small hovel in front of them, the rocks and scrubby grass that passed for its garden crushed and singed black by the previous day's battle. "And for our sakes I hope that whoever is after us is as carefree as you are."

"If only we are to be so lucky," said Rakhalen with a grin as he walked the final few paces to the door and knocked on it gently with a gnarled fist. "Mr. Hundun? It's Rakhalen Grimtotem and Phelis Sholondraes from yesterday. Are you ready to depart?" There was a loud clattering of pots and pans from inside, followed by the pained cries of various animals and a loud _chop_ followed by eerie silence that stretched on for nearly a minute. Rakhalen was about to knock a second time when the door swung open, revealing a large, grinning Pandaren.

"Friend Ox! Friend Elf!" Hundun greeted them warmly. "So good see you again!"

"Stupid husband, close the door!" came a growlingly feminine roar from inside. "You are letting all warm air out!"

"Crazy lady, we live in Barrens!" Hundun shouted back. "All air here is warm!"

"Then close door and do not let warm air in!" yelled the voice.

"Woman, make up your mind!" snarled Hundun. "You want warm air or you no want warm air?"

"I want house big enough where it make difference, but husband too lazy and poor to give me one!"

"Greedy woman! This house twice as big as one back on turtle!"

"But still smaller than the house of my father! I should have just stayed with him!"

"Your father lived in dark cave growing out of side of turtle! That is where he find your mother, growing on wall in back of cave eating blind frogs!"

"At least cave had cool air!"

"Um, excuse us," interrupted Rakhalen. "If we're interrupting something then we can come back anoth—"

"Oh, no, please friend, do not let wife scare you away," said Hundun with a jolly chuckle. "She bark, but she only bite during mating season. Please, come in." He turned behind him and shouted over his shoulder, "Wife! Ox and Elf are back!"

"I know that, can see front door from here because house is so tiny!" yelled Lin-lin. "Ask them if they want tea!"

"Why not you ask, if you can see them?" yelled back Hundun.

"Because unlike lazy, rude husband, I have important thing to do!"

"Yes, and that is making tea for our guests!"

"Actually, I believe we're fine, but thank you," said Rakhalen graciously. "We just came by to see if you were ready to depart yet. We have a long day of traveling ahead and would like to set off as soon as possible."

"You come to take fat, lazy husband away? Ha! Best news I hear all year!" Lin-lin laughed loudly.

"For once, my lovely wife and I agree," chuckled Hundun. "Will feel good to stretch legs again after so long. Was starting to feel the wanderlust, very strong even in my old bones."

"Just make sure he walk and fight a lot, not just sleep and drink beer," warned Lin-lin. "Do not want him come back and have even more fat and lazy husband."

"If it means going away from you, then I shall run faster than the wind over plains," said Hundun as he grabbed his walking stick. "Come, friends, let us be off."

"WAIT!" screamed Lin-lin, and her Husband stopped with one paw out the door as she shoved a small sack in his arms. "You forget your bag!"

"Ah, yes, thank you wife, very kind of yo—"

"And you forgot water!" she said as she placed a jug on top of the bag.

"Yes, yes, very good, now—"

"Wait, you need hat!" She placed a wide-brimmed straw hat on his head.

"Ah, how silly me to forget. Now we can—"

"Also, long journey! You will need more clothes!" She tossed another bag into his arms.

"Yes, but—"

"Also fruit, to keep you healthy! Apples high in fiber!"

"True—"

"But fruit go bad too quick! Need bread!"

"Thank you, bu—"

"Dried meat for long journey!"

"But you already gave me—"

"And tea for cold night!"

"This is—"

"Also, kettle to heat tea in!"

"I—"

"Need more water for tea now!"

"I already have enou—"

"Take some fish oil! Good for digestion!"

"No, wai—"

"One more thing! Do not forget your slippers!"

"Why do I nee—"

"One more thing! We are out of food! Make sure you bring back groceries!"

"We are out of food because you make me bring entire kitchen with me on trip!"growled Hundun in frustration as he wavered under the pile of supplies.

"One more thing! Here is sauce for you food!" Hundun staggered as she dropped a large, sloshing barrel on top of the heap.

"Crazy woman!" he snarled angrily. "Why you give me sauce? I no need sauce, have no room in arms!"

"THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR SAUCE!" she roared back menacingly, her teeth bared savagely. "You will thank me later! Now hurry up and go! You are letting the good air out and bad air in!"

"ALL THE AIR IS SAME HERE!" shouted Hundun in frustration as he started to waddle outside. As soon as he had both feet out the door, Lin-lin rushed at him, wrapping her arms around his waist and nuzzling the back of his neck.

"You make sure be safe, husband," Lin-lin said softly, her voice oddly quiet and tender. Hundun sighed warmly and smiled.

"Will be okay, wife," he said reassuringly. "I come back safe. No worry, you see."

"Good," she said. "Sometimes I think we are only Pandaren left, and if I lose you, I will be all alone…"

"Ha! You think you be rid of me so easy?" he said with a laugh. "Crazy lady, I am Sujian Hundun!"

"That was…oddly touching…" remarked Phelis as the couple finally parted.

"Life and love are wonderful things, Phelis, in all their myriad forms," said Rakhalen as Hundun joined them on the path just outside the garden. "Are you ready, good sir?"

"Yes, yes, let us be quick now, before crazy wife remember to give me more useless junk," said Hundun worryingly as he hefted the large assortment in his arms.

"Oh! Wait!" shouted Lin-lin as the three men walked off. "I forgot! One more thing!"

"What is that, wife?" Hundun shouted back. "Cannot hear you, am too far away!"

"I said one more thing!" shouted Lin-lin even louder.

"Sorry, cannot hear, have to wait tell me when I come back!" Behind him, Lin-lin glared before taking in a deep breath, and Rakhalen felt the winds shift as the spirits answered a call.

"I SAID! ONE! MORE! THING!" Her scream was like a hurricane, and the earth beneath them trembled with the strength of her voice. The three staggered as the ground beneath them rumbled, small pebbles dancing on the road.

"See?" said Hundun frantically. "This is why you no marry shaman! Whole world become angry at you!"

"Elder, what do we do?" asked Phelis as the fierce wind whipped his hair around.

"By the Earthmother, I don't even—"

"DO NOT IGNORE ME, COWARD HUSBAND!" Cracks appeared in the earth, and the branch of a nearby tree was torn off with a loud crack.

"Run away!" shouted Hundun as he took off in a jog down the hill. "She is loud, but old and fat and cannot catch us!" The other two warily followed his lead, racing towards Ratchet as the tempest behind them slowly faded into the distance.

"Okay," said Phelis a few minutes later at Ratchet's flight master. "Do you have everything you need?"

"Yes," said Hundun proudly as he hefted a single large sack.

"Good. And have you…taken care of everything you don't need?"

"Yes as well," said Hundun. "I gave it all to nice green one around corner to keep safe."

"Well, aside from your willingness to trust a goblin so easily, I think we're fine," said Phelis as he untied the wyverns from their posts and handed the reins to his companions. "You take the lead, Elder, and I'll bring up the rear. You know how to ride a wind rider, right Hundun?"

"Yes, yes, of course I do," said the Pandaren as he leaned into the wyvern's face, then jumped back at it snapped its teeth at him. "Ha! Such large, sharp fangs! Reminds me of mother-in-law, only with less drool and not as many stingers."

"Wonderful," sighed Phelis as he hopped into the saddle. "Whenever you're ready, Elder." Rakhalen nodded from atop his wyvern, then clicked his hooves against the beast's sides to send it darting up into the air. Hundun followed suit, kicking his mount hard enough to elicit a painful yelp as it dutifully took to the skies. Phelis took off behind them, vigilantly watching the skies for any possible threat.

"Ha! I can see house from here!" shouted Hundun excitedly as they banked inland briefly to gain height before heading towards the mouth of the Southfury River. Phelis curiously looked back at the small house and hoped that faint glow of magma leaking out of the cracks in the hillside was just his imagination.

They followed the river's course, the dry red dirt and flooded marshes of Durotar on one bank and the Barren's sea of golden grass on the other, until the towering front gate of Orgrimmar loomed over the horizon. Phelis only spared a passing glance at the hulking catapults and siege weapons massed outside the ramparts, already accustomed to the fortress city's rampant waste of resources.

"So, Hundun!" shouted Rakhalen as the wind riders soared over the Valley of Strength . "How do you like Orgrimmar?"

"What what that?" the Pandaren shouted back. "I cannot hear you over sounds of wind and drums!" Rakhalen chuckled heartily as the trio coasted onto the central rise that served as the capital's skyway.

"We have arrived, my friend," said Rakhalen as he slide off the windrider, and the animal sluggishly crawled over to a hitching post before collapsing. "Come, we have much to do."

"If you say," said Hundun as he nearly rolled off of his mount. "But first, may I ask where you find drink here? I have not had one all afternoon."

"But…it's barely one…" said Phelis incredulously.

"Yes, as I say," said Hundun with a jovial grin. "Please, will be my treat for rescuing me from wife."

"I don't see the harm in a small drink before we begin our excursion," agreed Rakhalen to Phelis's dismay. "Come, I'll take you to one of my favorites." Hundun grinned widely as he followed the Tauren to one of the large, clanking elevators, Phelis trailing behind with a disapproving frown.

"Ah, yes," said Hundun as they stepped off of the lowered platform and into the dark shadows of the drag. "City has changed much since I last here. Less wood, more metal. And spikes. Do not remember so many spikes…actually, do not remember much, was very fun time." He laughed heartily, then stopped abruptly as a troll woman strolled towards them. "But I do remember that…" said Hundun as he tracked the curvaceous blue female as she walked by. "Such a scandalous city, will never get used to."

"Huh?" grunted Rakhalen in surprise as he stared at the warrior woman fully clad in heavy plate with a large, nasty looking pike slung across her back. "What do you mean by scandelo—?"

"HEY! HUSSIE!" Hundun suddenly shouted at the troll, startling both his companions. "HAVE YOU NO SHAME? BE DECENT, PUT SHOES ON! NO ONE WANT TO SEE NASTY BIG BLUE FEET!"

"What the…why did you do that?" asked Rhakelen as he warrior turned and glared, but otherwise ignored the Pandaren as she continued walking. "Don't yell things like that, you'll get us in trouble."

"But it is her who is wrong, walking around with bare feet like that," grumbling Hundun. "Make no sense. How can only two toes be so fat? Bah, ugly blue things."

"Let's just get to the bar," said Phelis, trying to fight his frustration.

They arrived at the Wyvern's Tail a few minutes later. "Here we are," said Rakhalen as they stepped into the dark, musty bar.

"Ah, I like very much, good mood," said Hundun grinningly as he looked at the back wall filled with a multitude of bottles.

"Let's just find a table and—" Phelis was cut off by an excited call from the back corner of the room.

"Hey, Phelis! Elder!" yelled a blood elf enthusiastically.

"Neru?" said Phelis as they approached their aquaintance's table. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, just…hanging out," said Neru with a shrug. "Hoping to catch up with some guys, get into a bar brawl, do some other manly stuff. You know, the usual." Phelis narrowed his eyes and glared at him.

"If you're here goofing off and avoiding something important, then I'm—"

"Ah! This your friend?" said Hundun happily. "She is very pretty."

"Whoa!" said Neru in surprise. "That is the fattest furbolg I've ever seen! Where'd you guys get it?"

"First off, he's a Pandaren," explained Phelis. "And it's a long story."

"Long stories make ale more tasty," mused Hundun with a wide grin. "You wait here, I go get drinks. My treat for you and lovely friend."

"Lovely?" parroted Neru, confused.

"Oh, no, that's quite alright," declined Rakhalen graciously. "We couldn't possibly let you."

"We are friends now, I insist," said Hundun as he made his way to the crowded counter and tried to get the bartender's attention.

"So…um…yeah…" said Neru awkwardly. "He seems…nice…and apparently thinks I'm a girl…"

"Don't start," grumbled Phelis. "Elder, I think that if we're just going to use this guy as a guide, we should get some transportation ready quickly so we can finish this escapade as quickly as possible."

"What about the fat bear guy?" asked Neru, feeling a bit left out of the conversation.

"You stay here and watch him for us," said Rakhalen.

"Really?" asked Phelis with a raised eyebrow. "You trust leaving him here? In a bar? With Neru?" "Better than having him there when we negotiate with your goblin," snorted the tauren, and Phelis nodded in agreement.

"True. Okay Neru, I need you to watch Hundun for us and make sure he doesn't get into trouble, got it? This is very important."

"Sir, yes sir!" said Neru with an exaggerated salute and a roguish grin. Phelis sighed.

"Why am I not surprised that I have a bad feeling about this…" grumbled Phelis as he and Rakhalen left the bar. A few minutes later, Hundun returned to the table with four large frothy mugs.

"Ah, here we are friend…wait, where they go?" asked the Pandaren as he craned his neck around the bar.

"To take care of some business, they'll be right back," explained Neru.

"Too bad, but is okay, means more for us!" chuckled Hundun as he grabbed one of the massive flagons, and raised it to the sky. "To my beloved Lin-Lin! Wherever she may be, I am lucky is not with me!" He laughed heartily, and Neru watched in amazement as he poured the entire contents of the cup into his open mouth like a rushing brown waterfall.

"Wow," said Neru simply as Hundun wiped his mouth with a furry arm, slamming the empty mug on the table with a loud clatter. "Did you even taste it?"

"Unfortunately, yes," growled Hundun bitterly. "This ale is like Hozen bathwater! Very foul, bitter, and taste like bananas. How they serve this and not kill self, eh?"

"Wait, what? Then why did you drink it all?" asked Neru as Hundun angrily stood up and began stomping back to the bar. "Hey, where are you going?"

"To show these ones real drinks!" growled Hundun as he pushed an orc patron off his stool and nimbly bounded over the counter.

"Hey, mon, what'chu dink ya do'i—" protested the bartender before a large black paw shoved him in the face.

"It is time this city learn what real drink is!" shouted Hundun as he began grabbing bottles from the shelf, smelling them, and then slamming them on the counter. "Come, I show you what real brewmaster is! My wife might talk with the spirits of the elements, but I command the spirits of spirits!"

"Oh Titans," whimpered Neru as he watched Hundun roar his challenge to the bar. "Phelis is going to be _pissed_." 

* * *

><p>"Well, that went better than expected," said Rakhalen almost an hour later as he and Phelis returned from their negotiations.<p>

"With goblins, it's all about speaking the right language," said Phelis as he twirled a dagger in his hand before returning it to his sheath. "Now that that's taken care of, we just have to hope Hundun didn't burn the bar down."

"Well, it looks to be still there," observed Rakhalen as they approached the Wyvern's Tail. "You should have more trust in Neru's abilities, Phelis."

"Sure, as soon as he stops being Neru," replied Phelis as they stepped into the bar, and any further conversation was cut short as they beheld the scene in front of them.

Every person in the bar was gathered around a large table in the center, leaning forward eagerly with attentive stares. At the head of the table was Hundun, and the Pandaren was surrounded by a motely assortment of orcs, tauren and trolls dressed in heavy armor with various menacing looking weapons hanging on their belts. One of them, a large orc wearing the armor of an elite Kor'kron guard was learning across the table, staring straight at the Pandaren as an anxious silence thick in the air.

"And then…" said the orc, his voice a deep, gravely baritone that reverberated through the room. "I TOOK HIS CANDLE!" The bar exploded in deep, rumbling laughter, Hundun's the loudest of them all as he roared with mirth, repeatedly slamming his flagon on the table and spraying everyone near him with foam.

"Ha! That good one! That good one!" yelled Hundun as he held his side with one paw. "Took his candle! Ha-ha!" Phelis scanned the room as the air rang with hearty laughter, spotting Neru at a nearby table.

"Neru!" yelled Phelis quietly between clenched teeth.

"Oh, hey Phelis!" said Neru happily as he waved the other elf over.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked Phelis as he approached the table. "Didn't I tell you to watch him?"

"I was!" protested Neru as he took a sip from his cup and chuckled. "You should have seen how quickly he downed a whole tankard, it was amazing!"

"What are you…are you drunk?" asked Phelis incredulously as he snatched the mug from Neru's hand and sniffed it. "This is just apple juice! Why are you acting drunk?"

"Well…" said Neru sheepishly. "I just…didn't want to feel left out, you know?" Phelis groaned.

"Ah, so, here is another good one!" declared Hundun enthusiastically, taking another long gulp from his flagon before continuing. "So, a few year ago I traveling through Silverpine forest way across sea, and as I walk along path this big wolf-man jump out at me. He yell, 'You, Panda! You stupid Panda! You so bad, stupid Panda, I kill you easy, for you stupid! Ha! You very bad and stupid hunter, Panda! Look, you have bear for pet, because you so stupid! Why bear hunter have bear pet? Because both you very stupid! Ha!' And then I say to him, 'That no bear, that my wife!' And Lin-Lin mauled his face off, and turned him into soup!" Another rounded of laughter rippled through the bar.

"This is insane," grumbled Phelis as he massaged his temples. "Elder, let's get Hundun and get out of here before we draw any more attention to ourselves."

"Agreed," said the Tauren as he pushed his way towards the Pandaren's table. "Mr. Hundun. Mr. Hundun!"

"Ah! Friend Ox! You back!" greeted Hundun happily as he offered Rakhalen a cup. "Here, try some! I just make, very good for you!"

"Um…thank you, but I'll pass," said Rakhalen. "Listen Mr. Hundun, we have to get going now, or we'll miss our flight, so if you could please come with me…"

"Ah, so soon, so sad," frowned Hundun with a sigh. "But if you say so, I go."

"Aww, don't leave just yet," pleaded the Kor'kron orc. "The party is only just starting!"

"I sorry, big green friend," said Hundun reluctantly as he finished one last mug. "Maybe another time."

"How 'bout if I bring you and your friend a'nudda drink, eh?" asked the bartender. "On 'da house."

"That is very generous, but sadly I must go," said Hundun as he started to rise from his seat.

"Please, we insist!" said a large tauren as he placed a hand on Hundun's shoulders and tried to hold him in his seat. Instead, the Pandaren brewmaster grabbed the tauren's hand, leaned forward and flipped him onto the table, shattering it into splinters.

"Sorry, but I insist," said Hundun with a large, sheepish grin on his face as he staggered backwards. Dead silence hung in the air for a few beats, then someone threw a random chair and the bar erupted in a full-scale brawl.

"Dammit," cursed Phelis under his breath as the room was consumed by chaos. "Neru, find the Elder and get out of here. I'll get Hundun!"

"Right!" said Neru as he leapt into the fray, dodging a thrown stool and tripping a rather intoxicated orc. Phelis made his way through the belligerent throng as quickly and nimbly as he could, avoiding stray strikes while trying to locate the Pandaren amidst the flurry of fists, bottles and broken wood.

"Where are you," the elven rogue muttered to himself as he searched the crowd, until finally he heard the brewmaster's voice over the din.

"Ha! You think you can beat me! You face Sujian Hundun, Pandaren Master of the Drunken Ox! This! Will! Be! Grizzly!" Phelis looked up to see the Pandaren punch a troll in the mouth hard enough to break both tusks before spinning around and driving a heal into an tauren's face so hard his nose-ring flew across the room. "Ha! This best fun I have in years! I! Love! Pandamonium!"

Phelis sighed to himself and tried to figure out a way to quietly extract the berserking brewmaster. "The things I do for this job…"


End file.
